Today was not a good day. I started my day off at 5:30am, didn’t make coffee, it rained all day, my patients pissed me off, and my bad shoulder was killing me today- stupid arthritis. And then the worst happened….my mom called and told me my Great Aunt had just passed away. I literally stood in disbelief for a solid minute after I hung up the phone. After all the ups and downs with her, I really thought she would pull through this. But she didn’t. I spent most my afternoon in between my last few patients crying and then zoning out. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. This woman was like a grandmother to me. When I was younger and things weren’t so good between my parents, she helped raise me and my brother. We lived with her for a couple of years while my mom got things back together. My Great Aunt was always there for me and my family. I have so many great memories with her and I will never forget them. She was a wonderful woman and lived a very full and happy life. She was 83. I am mostly sad about all of this. I am angry though, too. I’m upset that she was a DNR. I’m upset that she didn’t want to fight anymore when she was looking so good just a few days ago. I’m upset that no one was there with her today when she passed away. I’m upset that I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. I’m upset that I will never hear her voice again or give her a hug. I’m not ready for her to be gone yet. I’m not sure I ever would be. But I definitely didn’t think it would happen this way.
I also had my last ballet classes tonight with Ms. Poe. Instead of just going home after work and spending the night crying and upset, I went to class. Dancing always has a way of taking my mind off things. So for two hours tonight I put my hurt and sadness aside and just danced. I turned the pain I was feeling into beautiful ballet. My Great Aunt would have been proud of me. Just like she always was when she saw me dance as a little girl.
Today, I turned pain into beauty. I love you Aunt Florence. I hope you know how much you impacted my life and just how much I really loved you. You will always be with me in my heart. You always have been. Even with all the pain and sadness I feel now, I’m glad you are not in pain anymore. Thank you for always being there and loving me unconditionally. I will always love you.
1929 ~ 2012